Assaulted over the weekend by my friend’s husband and I am feeling absolutely broken.

Went to a friend/coworker’s house over the weekend. Her, her husband and I all hung out and were listening to music and dancing. Had some drinks. Friend went to bed. I went to lay down in their spare bedroom. The husband followed me and assaulted me. I tried to fight back and kept saying no, but he wouldn’t stop. No protection.

I went to the ER yesterday and got the assault kit done. The SANE nurse and the patient advocate were the most kind, “best friend” type of figures I could’ve ever asked for. They made me feel empowered, listened to, cared for, and worth living. I felt so at ease in their presence. They were angels.

I don’t really have a support system. My parents are both good people but I don’t want to make them worry. I couldn’t imagine telling them this. It’s very disturbing to me, and I don’t want to unload this onto them and I don’t want them to have to think about me like that - it’s just disturbing. I’m also gay and have been out since I was in my teens so I feel like people will find this extra disturbing if that makes sense.

The one “best friend” I do have… I called him. He didn’t answer. I texted him what happened. He was nice and supportive in his texts, but I was really hurt that he couldn’t even call me back. He couldn’t even show up on my doorstep. He had the day off. A few years ago, one of our friends in our friend group was raped, and guess what? He was so protective of her. He went to her house and lived on her couch for a week to support her everyday through it. And I’m not worthy enough of a phone call. Major ouch. I have been there for this best friend through their worst moments, always showing up, letting them cry on my shoulder… and I’m not even worth a call back. This just adds an extra layer of hurt on top of what I’m already dealing with.

My lack of support system really has me crumbling underneath all of this. Im so angry and hurt. I’m a nurse and I am now on a leave of absence and am trying to get myself in a partial hospitalization program. I’m sure I’ll meet some people there but at the end of the day when I go home, all I have is me, myself and I. I can’t handle this alone. My best friend not showing up for me when I need them more than anything (this isn’t the first occurrence) is crushing me.

I don’t know what to do. I feel absolutely alone in this and feel like I’m fighting to keep my head above water. It feels like I’ll never heal from this. Those two angels on earth at the hospital were so nice to me and I wish more than anything I had a friend even remotely like them. The tears are rolling as I type this. Feeling pretty hopeless right now.