what if im not really bipolar?

I know that this is exactly what im supposed to think cause that's how this illness works and im really trying hard to think about it realistically but i can't shake off the feeling that maybe im just normal(?)

I've been on lamotrogine for about 5 months and ironically enough had the worst depressive episode of my life. I'm really not sure if it's helping and im back in this state of denial because i havent been hypo for awhile. I had an appointment with my psych today and kinda alluded to having a mixed episode recently but she didn't really address it and ive found that i experience those more than anything.

I guess this is just a brain dump but not having a hypo episode in awhile is making me feel like maybe i just have depression lol. I'm not sure if my meds are helping and i cant tell if im depressed or just foggy... I kinda have nothing going for me and i lack motivation but it's weird because i think im stable? It's such a foreign feeling i havent had in awhile which makes me want to stop taking my meds and i did for probably like 3 weeks which made me extremely irritable and contributed to a mixed episode ://

I dont know man i just hate this fucking disorder and i feel hopeless i guess... I miss tje normalcy of the ups and downs and in betweens cause instead of feeling like im not bipolar in a good way, it's making me feel shitty. I guess this isnt really a question or a vent i just wanna know if anyone else is struggling w any of these thoughts or feelings.