Yeah that checks out. (Triggers for Mental illness/suicide/medical/abuse)
So I've been in a pretty bad depressive but high functioning state over the last 6 months, I study a post grad degree full time, work full time, look after someone in my personal life, and fit in social life where and when I can. Every day is comprised of me waking up depressed and just not wanting to be here any more. My dumb brain is of course determined to finish my masters degree first so when I die I will have at least achieved something first (I didn't say it was logical). I have also been exhausted for months now, any time I'm not on my feet doing one if the things mentioned, I am laying down sleeping, even for just 5 minutes. It's just a struggle to get through the day, compounded by living with chronic pain, headaches, weird temperature changes, and just a list of other things that cause me grief.
I finally decided to open up to some friends and talk about whats going on and to go see my doctor who knows I have mental health stuff and has treated me for years.
I had the doctors appointment and explained everything to him so I could get some mood stabilisers and a referral to a psych. My doctor started asking a bunch of other questions and examining me... he then sat down and said to me, "I want to run some blood tests to screen you for leukaemia..."
The fuck... seriously... I've overcome homelessness, addiction, not finishing high school but then some how going on to get into university, being abused as a child, my mental illness (ok I'm still fighting that battle...) and suicidal thoughts... I'm so fucking exhausted...
Is suicide the same as "fuck this bullshit I'm out?" I kinda feel justified at this stage... I know these are just preliminary tests, and everything is probably fine... but it would be nice to not get railed by life for at least a little bit. I just want a break from all the shit and to actually be able to rest.