From the mountains to you..

The other day I drove through your hometown. I went out with a girl, saw a show, and laughed. We went to your parent's favorite restaurant, and I wished you could've seen me. But the problem was, when the dinner ended, and the show ended, I got lost down one of the small town streets and all I could think about was you.

The mountain range reminded me of you, the crisp air, the liquor store we stopped at on Valentine's Day, before we drove through the snow just to watch the horizon and hold each other. I almost cried in front of this girl I just met, driving through that town thinking about you. I thought about calling you up, "Hey, does this street connect to the highway or the next one...." or, "It's so beautiful tonight baby, this place is gorgeous..." or, "It's freezing, I can't wait to hold you tonight", knowing full well you were probably with her. Laughing. Loving. Not thinking about me at all while the smallest and most precious things about you were all I could see through my windshield, covering every part of the landscape in front of me.

I know I'm sensitive, and I'll probably keep writing about you for a long time, but maybe this kind of reflecting helps. And maybe one day when I look out into the mountains like that again, I'll realize that it's just a place and we were just a moment.

I found an old journal of mine yesterday .I wrote something down when we first started dating, something like:

“If I could go back and see the younger me, I would hug her. I would tell her that all of her weirdness and uniqueness, all those feelings of not fitting in, they will be loved by someone. Being gay will be okay. And maybe that person won’t be there forever, but you will one day meet someone when you’re ready who will love you for you. Who will understand the story of that little kid who played with the dogs and the chickens in the trees. Because she too will share that with you. That weird, awkward loneliness. And she'll be your best friend. And you will love her. And she will love you, my girl, just as you are."

Just wish I didn't hold anger for your lies. Your betrayal. Because my mind only wants to remember that girl, who really, really loved me and our time in that town. Was it real?