no zest for life

19f

no desire to live.

– im not gonna make any alarming decisions, this is js me wanting to get sumn off my chest –

i dont see a day where ill find contentment, i have days where im so close to giving up

with my life, i cant sense nostalgia. my life in the past was a mess. im incredibly dissatisfied & disappointed with myself. yeah, ive been mistreated countless amount of times but its ME who im repulsed by! my actions, my way of living, my state of being, everything. i would even go as far as hating myself for the things that ive done or for who i was when i was 9

when i see those videos where ppl be like “take me to 20XX” or anything that would cause someone LONGING for the past, i can only sense guilt & shame bc im too dissatisfied w who i was and especially w what ive done, its all my fault. i have nothing to look back. also wanna mention that im not upset that there r ppl who can! i js wish i could relate to them

as for the present, yeah. enough said rlly. aside from the unwanted thoughts, groinal responses, uncertainty, having to obsess over everything i do every min of the day. its not any better. my family & i struggle to make a living, its getting hopeless. i look and feel so worn out, its been like this since i was 12

went no contact with narcissists but i cant say ive healed

though, lets note that ive made choices in my life that get me feeling su!cidal from time to time. im sorry but i still cant move past it cus man… what was i thinking???

im not even gonna bother bringing my future into this cus i dont see one. i might as well ACTUALLY give up on myself cus i cbb anymore