My Covert Narcissist Husband

As I write this, I am in my gym’s locker room crying in a stall because I didn’t want to cry in the class where I saw my husband yet again checking out other women. It’s been 16 years-I don’t have anyone to talk to except my current therapist and I feel so lonely and like I don’t have a support system so here I am on Reddit. I’m tired of finding evidence of him cheating and it being thrown back at me in a gaslighting way as if I’m going crazy, I’m tired of the neglect, the absence of him valuing me, I am tired of him being painted as the perfect husband even in therapy (with an ex therapist) where he doesn’t show his true nature and I’m pinned as the scapegoat for all the problems, I’m tired of always pouring myself into him for 16 years to the point of my body being so broken down by stress that my endocrinologist told me that if I don’t improve my cortisol levels that it’s a coin toss that I’ll be dead in the next 5-10 years. I’m lost, any kind and supportive comments/advice are so welcomed you have no idea.

Thank you for reading my post 🙏

*Update: One hour later after the original post-he texted me asking if I was okay. I didn’t respond. I splashed cold water on my face and had a pep talk with myself. He asked if I was alright when I saw him, and I said I was fine (clearly was not) and asked why I left class early and I said, “I’ll let you take a wild guess and moving forward I don’t want you to come with me to these classes anymore.” *Silence Me: Did you enjoy the view? Him: OMG! 🤦‍♂️ frustrated that I even called him out on it….So silly me brought my feelings to the table saying that I know he won’t take accountability and I didn’t expect him to do so. I then was met with gaslighting, invalidation, defense, eye rolling, heavy sighs, denying even staring at the women (even though I saw it) saying that he knew this would be an issue when he entered the class (like I’m this issue for pointing out his hurtful ways).

How do I stop my heart from breaking apart each time while maintaining the same residence with this person? This conversation tends to be a pattern but-I calmly and kindly told him that this doesn’t work anymore. I can’t continue to be in a dynamic where I’m devalued, ignored, dismissed, invalidated and me putting 95% of the energy into our marriage battery while he just sits there and enjoys the ride. Later in the talk, I even calmly and optimistically told him that I’ve learned a lot from this relationship and have gained a lot of wisdom and I am not innocent and have contributed a lot of wrong doing too which I’m working on myself. Him: That’s hurtful that you would say that. Me: I don’t understand. Him: Like I treated you so badly that it’s now wisdom. Me: I am speaking to you calmly and expressing a positive thing from the relationship. Him: Defense and wanting me to take the bait to argue. Me: I am not going to argue with you. I’m just expressing how I feel and you only provide invalidation, gaslighting, dismissal and defense. You’re not being open with me just defensive and you say that you “are not intentionally hurting” me yet you continue to do the same actions that I’ve brought to your attention time and time again that are hurtful, so yeah…it is intentional and you don’t care. I have in the past and did make another point to tell him today that I love him and am genuinely concerned about him and that I think he is a covert narcissist and I hope he finds help in therapy. Him: I need to find someone to assess me (not work through anything, just to clear his name so I’m made out to be wrong about him). Yes, I know that it is a big “no, no” to tell a narcissist that you think he’s a narcissist, BUT I’ve had it with the walking on egg shells. This is ridiculous. I dream consistently that he is cheating on me (in college he did twice and I dreamt it the night it happened while I was at my internship).

How do I navigate this in a positive way and not fall into the victim mentality pit? I want to be victorious and lead a wonderful life. I’ve had enough pain.