More narcissistic since becoming self aware

Anyone else more narcissistic since becoming self aware? I think before I knew I was a narcissist I didn’t think of myself as a bad person. Yes I knew I had done bad things to people but I didn’t hate myself. Since becoming self aware I label myself as ‘bad’, this just exacerbates the narcissistic defences. The more shame I feel the more the defences are needed. I was actually in a good place before I looked into narcissism, learning to be kinder to myself and others, I had more patience, I made an effort to contemplate others experiences and build empathy.

Now, I feel like what’s the point? I’m not able to ever overcome this, it is at my core, so who gives a fuck? I can feel myself self sabotaging, almost wanting to burn bridges because i don’t have any hope of over coming it. There are no success stories, there is no one to look to who has beaten it. The more hopeless I feel the more narcissistic I become. And not out of choice, my thoughts are full of envy, hatred, and bitterness. I’m fully aware of this and I don’t want to be like this, but I can’t seem to help it. I have a good day or 2 followed by a week of shit fuckery. I can’t seem to get a foot hold anymore to stability.

I am only about 2 years in and it has gotten slightly better, but it’s still no way to live. Does it get better long haulers? I need some hope here. Are we just learning to accept, or can we overcome this?