Depersonalisation

Is anyone else in here depersonalised since they became self aware? I know Vaknin is dystopian in his work, but I feel like what he says is true when it comes to depersonalisation in NPD and BPD. He says that in pwNPD, depersonalisation isn’t the loss of yourself, but the realisation that you never were a self. It’s the recognition that you are not.

I will sometimes ‘personalise’ where it feels like there’s some kind of coming together internally which is very soothing. I will then quite quickly dissociate again because I realise it’s a false person I’m merging with again. He also says that Narcissists are the false self, that is all they are. Part of me would rather suffer than associate with falseness, but it’s agony living in the shame pit. Thoughts?