What is left once you dive deep into yourself?

The route of NPD is shame or not feeling good enough, causing our defences to create a false self to tolerate insufferable feelings we don’t want to address. But in my healing attempts I get stuck at the shame level. I feel into it, I listen to it, I tell myself it isn’t the truth of who I am, but it doesn’t transform or ‘heal’.

All that happens is my false self will show up and suddenly I’m the best thing since sliced bread. Only to later that day fall back into the pit of shame (which feels like me) just a wounded fucked up whiny child that is in a perpetual state of unrealistic expectations, attention seeking, sulking, controlling shit show.

Ok so listen to that part of yourself, you give it the love & attention it needs like your parents should have… But there isn’t anyone else in there? The only other thing inside is a created one in my imagination which is false again? Like there isn’t anything else, unless you create it. Isn’t that just gaslighting yourself? Not living in reality?

I admire some of you guys on here who share stories of healing and it really does give me hope, but is it just the false self creeping in through the back door again?

Maybe we have to accept that that’s just how it is, cope, survive it.

I now sit here projecting an idealised ‘healed self’ where I feel joy again, connection again, but am then swiftly reminded that that’s all it is, another projection to a destination that doesn’t exist.

Please tell me where I’m going wrong, is my logic way out of sorts? Am I missing something? 🙏🏼