I can't truly feel love or get emotionally attached to anyone and it kills me
I have my family and a few online friends and I like them and enjoy their company but I don't have anyone I truly deeply care about to where I can be emotionally vulnerable and truly myself around. I have covert NPD and I also have ASPD (plus I'm a dismissive avoidant with a little bit of fearful avoidant in there) and I wish I was capable of deeply loving people, specifically in a romantic way, but I just can't. I wish I could date because I feel like I'm wasting my 20's not doing so and I heard it gets harder as you get older but I haven't found a single person I've gotten emotionally attached to and I end up unmatching and discarding them. All my relationships in my life are very surface level, I just don't know how to really connect with others, mostly because I am such an ugly person on the inside compared to my front I put up, that if I were to be my true self most people would run.
I wish I could fall in love and it actually be real, I'd even be okay if it weren't reciprocated I just want to know I'm capable of feeling something. I don't feel like I'm even human sometimes. I'm just such a selfish and self absorbed person who is emotionally cold and devoid of any empathy that I'm not capable of loving anyone but myself, and even then I know what I feel about myself isn't fucking love, it's just grandiosity and being self absorbed and that's it. I love myself in the same way a parent who does nothing but spoil their child but not actually give them warmth. I don't even know what the word love means, but at the same time I know I sure as hell most likely don't deserve it because of what I am. I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but if you have any advice I would deeply appreciate it.