Why am I still alive?

2 years ago I was a tab taking terrapin hippie guy who would turn alcohol down in every social situation and stick to a joint. Stopped taking the acid and couldn't smoke without panicking so I tried alcohol at a party I threw and drank a whole 350ml bottle of vodka to wash down the everclear. I didn't feel blacked out just a lot more social than usual so after that I just kept drinking whenever I could.

Jumping forward I moved in with my girlfriend and partied the first 2 months, I would drink nearly half of a 1.75L bottle everyday, got alcohol poisoning twice (Didn't go to the hospital either times), I would do extremely dangerous stunts until she cut me off and turned me sober. We broke up months later and I lost my mind, I would drink 4 of those big bottles of 14% margarita mix with pills and I would always wake up in the hospital with a average BAL of 0.35. This continued with my next ex gf, the pills turned into benzos and everyone always talks about how dangerous mixing them with alcohol is but I did it anyways. I would be on a average of 8-12 xans and between 2 other people a whole gallon would be finished by 11 pm.

I would do exactly that for weeks and mix countless substances on top of allat the worse being 9 tramadol, 11 xans, a 750ml to myself, and a gram of coke. As I spiraled I lost my xanax script but I kept drinking, it just wouldn't hit as hard as it did, so I felt the need to drink more. On a bender with my homie we drank 8 of those huge 14% bottles I was talking about so many times. It got worse and worse with pills and way too much alcohol for so long my manic episodes got the best of me and I was hospitalized.

In no way am I glorifying my behavior I'm still recovering and I hope everyone in the same boat get the help they need. I was playing with my life for a year and a half, I don't think I deserved the billions of chances I was given when others lose their lives to mistakes; I'm ashamed.

But like I said does anyone know how this is possible, maybe that's not the right question. Why am I still alive?