Am I just a sexual object to my boyfriend

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/nottherealwhit

Am I just a sexual object to my boyfriend?

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual harassment, gross behavior, misogyny

Original Post - rareddit Feb 27, 2020

My boyfriend [M21] and I [F22] have been dating for about 6 months.

He has always been very privately vocal about me sexually and is (his words) obsessed with me and my body. He shows it, and our sex is really great. I feel very confident in that area. He wants to have sex with me constantly, and we often do it 4-5 times in a row PER DAY because he asks so much and wants to keep going. It’s always been consensual, but he definitely wants it more than I do a lot of the time. That’s not the issue.

This weekend, he took me to a music festival, and we stayed at his best friend’s house (we will call him Jake) who also came with us to the festival on Sunday. We hung out with him a lot. The festival was out of town, in a more progressive and warm place (important later).

I do not like very much PDA, if any at all, no matter who it’s in front of. I hate making anyone uncomfortable, but it makes me uncomfortable most of all. He knows this and always has, so we only hold hands in public and sometimes kiss quickly. The entire weekend he was very grabby of my body, and would come up behind me and grab me and start kissing my neck and it made me so uncomfortable. I would tell him that I didn’t want it and he would stop but then do it again. At the festival, I was trying to listen and enjoy the music, and he would try to get me to grind on him in front of Jake and I definitely didn’t want to. This part also was very minor, because I understood the setting and his feelings, but I did let him know I was uncomfortable with it many times. It would go on and off the whole night.

The part that bothers me most is his comments and the things he brings attention to. On Sunday, I wore a cute top and I could have worn a bra with it. I was nervous about being too exposed since I am not used to it, but he convinced me that since we were in a more progressive place that it would be fine, and that no one would care. I mentioned that I didn’t want to make Jake uncomfortable, and he let me know that Jake has had plenty of girlfriends who have dressed this way. It was definitely ultimately my choice to go without a bra, but I wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t convince me.

I would have been fine if he didn’t draw attention to my boobs the entire day, but he did. We met up with Jake at a restaurant, and while on the phone with each other and while Jake was trying to locate us, my boyfriend said “Do you see her tits?” I lightly hit his arm and told him to not say that, and he laughed it off as a joke. Then, when we were in the restaurant, he mentioned to Jake that I was uneasy about being braless and we chatted about it a bit. I explained that I was comfortable with my own body but I just wasn’t used to showing much. My boyfriend made another comment about them, and when I walked forward to order food, he said to Jake, “I’m allowed to say that because I’m the one who gets to do things with them.”

When no one was looking he would grab my nipples and try to get them to perk up, and was very handsy on me, like he needs to prove that he’s the one who gets to touch me and have sex with me. I hate it.

Later, we were talking about a student at the high school I teach at, who is the younger brother of Jake’s roommate. Jake told us that the student kept asking if my boyfriend and I were still together, and Jake made some jokes and said “Why, does he think he has a shot?” It was funny, until my boyfriend said “He just wants to be inside you.” I wanted to throw up. Why would he say something so explicit about a minor with me? I exclaimed “What did you say?” and he repeated it. I told him to stop saying stuff like that, and he laughed it off and said “Well it’s true.” Jake then said, “Dude, you gotta stop with that. I’m officially scolding you, do you feel scolded? No more of that.” He was trying to be light but I knew even Jake thought it was way over the line and defended me.

Finally that night, I wanted to get my boyfriends hoodie so that I could just wear it over my top because I didn’t have one, but it was in his car and we left his car parked somewhere else. I let him know that, and Jake heard us and asked where my boyfriend was going, and he told him I wanted a hoodie but we didn’t have his car. Jake immediately brought me to his room and let me pick out a hoodie and when I told him I felt bad, he said “I don’t want you to keep feeling so uncomfortable, plus it’s cold.” It was very sweet, and I felt better the rest of the night, but my boyfriend got weird about me wearing his best friends hoodie.

Anyway, I’m just going on a long tangent now, but that’s what my weekend was like. I had a lot of fun, and I loved getting close with his friend, but it was hard with everything going on. I found myself liking to be around Jake more than my own boyfriend because he was respectful and kind and listened to me the entire weekend. I’m just really upset with my boyfriend because I constantly told him I was uncomfortable and I felt icky about it, but he refused to respect it. He’s pretty insecure, and I firmly believe he thinks it’s cool to prove that I’m the thing he can have sex with and touch and be with. I hate that so much and I don’t want it anymore.

I talked to him about it in the car ride home, but he got offended and then started telling me that I’m just in love with Jake and I don’t want to be with him anymore, which isn’t true. Then that night we were texting about it and I tried explaining all of this to him again, and his text back said exactly:

“You just told me how much you want me to want you. I realize you also told me I was making you uncomfortable but I really wasn’t trying to. I’m sorry, I literally wanna die”

I told him that I like that he wants me a long time ago, and I still do, but I like it when we’re in private if it’s going to be so sexual.

I just feel a little violated because even if this whole situation doesn’t seem like a big deal, it was my boyfriend doing it and not respecting me. I can barely even kiss him now because I don’t want to give it to him. I really do love him, so I’m having a hard time with all of this.

What should I do? Is the relationship worth saving or am I just a sexual object?

TL;DR - My boyfriend crossed boundaries I had in place and wouldn’t stop even when I asked and now I feel uncomfortable with him, but I love him and want to keep the relationship. Am I really just a sex object to him?

TOP COMMENTS

kitticatmeow1

Ooooh boy. Just reading this gave me the creeps.

You are a trophy to him, to be paraded around and shown off. You are not a person. He's shown this by disregarding your feelings ans boundaries multiple times and just being a plain creep. He then tries the "I wanna die" line in order to make you pity him.

Girl run. This is only gong to get worse.

~

Ladyughsalot1

I really think you need to leave.

The apology you received is....not an apology. You see the lack of real remorse. “I wanna die” is simple a manipulative way to get the sympathy on him, and get you to feel bad for speaking up at all.

He didn’t just parade you around. He grabbed at you. Just because he’s your bf doesn’t make this stuff NOT sexual harassment. The constant grabbing at your nipples was sexual assault. You didn’t want it.

It was at the point where Jake stood up for you and he still didn’t drop it.

It’s not as simple as him seeing you as a trophy. It’s about his sense of entitlement to do what he wants to your body. To humiliate you, degrade you in front of others, to make it clear: your consent doesn’t matter if he’s decided to pretend to be ignorant.

Please leave. This doesn’t get better with a discussion; it didn’t. That apology was worth nothing.

Update - rareddit May 4, 2020 (3 months later)

In my previous post , I had asked if I was being sexualized by my boyfriend and why I felt more comfortable with his best friend, Jake. I’m very grateful for all the comments and advice I got. Turns out that yes, I was just a sexual prize for him, and also turns out that Jake isn’t so much of a good guy, but that’s another story. It took me a little while, but I finally gained the strength to leave my boyfriend about a month after I posted it.

My post wasn’t huge, but I figured if any one was interested, they might like to know that I am now dating Jake’s ex-girlfriend. I think I got the best thing out of this whole situation that I could.

Thanks for your help everyone :)

tl;dr! - An update: I finally gained the strength to break up with my sexually coercive boyfriend and find happiness in a better situation

EDIT: First off I want to say THANK YOU. The majority of you are so sweet and I’m thankful for the support of what was a really hard time for me.

Now, seems like I have to clarify, but I am bisexual and now dating Jake’s ex-girlfriend, not my boyfriend’s ex. I am not in contact with either men and neither is my girlfriend. None of us even live in the same area. I met her once before and we weren’t like a group of friends together or anything. The only friendship was between my boyfriend and Jake. So, there’s no conflict there.

My relationship is literally brand new. I posted this update right when we finally starting dating. I had plenty of time between my old relationship and this one to reflect and to learn to love myself, which was extremely easy to do after leaving him. Everyone is different and needs different time periods and space to grow and learn.

I am happy now with someone I genuinely feel comfortable with and someone who won’t ever make me feel the way both my ex and Jake made me feel, and that’s all this is.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sleepy_dumbo

Good for you! What a plot twist, curious what did Jake do.. my guess: he was just nice to try to seduce you - maybe he is one of those “nice guys”. Anyway wish u lots of luck in your new relationship

OOP

In short, this is what happened. Thank you!

OOP on being told maybe she shouldn't have jumped into a new relationship right away

I am happy alone, but that doesn’t mean I HAVE to be alone. I’m healthy and very stable in who I am and that’s not what this was about.

TOP COMMENTS

yyyyy622

Well that was a plot twist that I didn't see coming but good on you!

~

RuthZerkerGinsburg

“turns out Jake isn’t so much of a good guy.”

“I am now dating Jake’s ex-girlfriend.”

This is the content I’m on the internet for and the outcome I didn’t even realize I wanted. Genuinely very happy for you, OP.

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